I hate this.

I feel as life is a challenge that some people just want you to believe is impossible. A brick wall that you can’t break through. In my case, being involved with something you love, and have little doubt the outcome of all your hard work isn’t going to be positive. Then you find out it isn’t.


Team is greater than me. My teams basketball motto. It has double standards to me, even though I know that it shouldn’t. Working hard, going hard, and encouraging each other is important and essential for a team to function. I thought I had all these elements, but I guess what you think and what you’re friends and teammates are telling you, doesn’t matter. The person with the whistle around their neck’s opinion does. Team is greater than me. You shouldn’t think of why or why not you’re on whatever team. You should be proud and love your team, no complaints.

But no one ever tells the story about the hard worker who got everything stolen right from under her. It’s like.. I can’t even explain it.

Doing something you love and putting all your energy and focus into it, but in the end someone else makes the team and knocks you down, taking your breathe along with steal.

No matter how you think you’re performing, and no matter what any one of your friends is telling you doesn’t matter when you have someone else making decisions. It’s all in their hands.

I’m not one for complaining, but when nothing special is going on in your life and you have this one constant, and then it’s suddenly taken from you like a four month old child and a pacifier, you feel like everything that matters is gone in an instance. Helplessly wondering where it went.

I drove myself crazy, going over every second of practice, and everything that all my teammates had told me over the past few months, but nothing prepared me for this.

Not getting the jersey I wanted, really hurt me, and I was confused about it for what seemed like six months, but turned out to only be twenty-four hours. I felt as if my coach didn’t see all the hard work I put into practice. Like she was seeing right through me, to go on to the next girl waiting in line for a varsity jersey.

The day she told me, I held in the tears. I didn’t want to look like a cry baby, even though that’s exactly how I felt like acting. I just nodded, tried to smile, and tried harder to walk away without having to listen to another word. And when I became quiet through the practice some people asked why and all I had to say was, “ She told me I’m dressin’ for JV tomorrow.” Most of their reactions were asking me “Why?” or making a questioning face, and I would just shrug and walkaway so they wouldn’t see my eyes start watering. It didn’t help that they were all complaining about the team I was on and who took my place. After practice our coach went up to a few girls and was asking them if they knew why they were on JV. I took notice to this and decided that I would change and dash out before she had time to get to me. My plan was almost working when I noticed her standing by the corner waiting for me. So what do I do? I turn around the other way and take the back door out.

JV. I just thought that I had earned something a little higher than that, but she didn’t. There was nothing I could do about her decision, so I didn’t want to talk about it to anyone. I didn’t want to, but I learned that you get past the situation easier when you do talk about it to a friend that has a clue where you’re coming from. Someone who listens when you have something that makes you feel like your world is being ripped apart from the stitches by someone you look up to. Someone who has been through your situation and doesn’t look at you like you’re pathetic when you start crying in the middle of a sentence and you have to pause a second before you continue on. There’s a distinct difference between telling your story to someone who has been through it, and someone who hasn’t.

I learned not to get your hopes up by what people, who don’t make decisions, say. That you should only pay attention to the person who holds the key to your future.

I would say I wish I knew this before, but I probably would still be confused about the team I’m on.

She told me she wanted to “balance out the teams.” So someone wouldn’t be stuck on the bench.

Ouch. I’ve been working since August and this chick comes in and already she’s better than me? All my friends might not be coaches, but they can spot when someone is better than another. My coach saying this made me feel empty and worthless. Like I was a ten karat diamond ring that was buried like a young child’s first goldfish. Something that had value at first, but the next second, didn’t. I felt so insecure that everything I had worked on, and pushed through was worth nothing.

Some people are lucky enough to be born with either natural ability, or an inherited name.

I have neither.

And I don’t know what else I can do beside work my hardest, when that apparently doesn’t get me anywhere.

After my first of a second JV season, thought of another meaning she might of meant by balancing out the teams. The entire JV consist of six sophomores and four juniors. I don’t know if they look up to us or not, but them asking me questions, and telling them to shake something off, that everything is going to be fine, made me feel like a parent to the team.

A team needs a leader, someone to step up and get everyone rolling. I’m not usually one to do it, because there’s always someone older, or that has been playing longer on the team, or for whatever reason. But tonight, I felt like a leader. And it was cool helping the other girls with plays, or having to tell them that they didn’t do anything wrong.

It felt good and I love everyone on the team.

I just don’t know why I can’t let go of this other girl taking away what I worked so hard for and thought I had earned, but have her just walk in and it be handed to her on a silver platter.

Team is greater than me. I’m not just saying this because I want so badly to be on varsity, but I truly feel like I would be better for the team rather than this other girl. Maybe she wants me to help out on JV, but why make me have to sacrifice what I’ve worked so hard for? If she thought the other girl would be a good fit too, then why not test her out on varsity first?

I don’t really quite know how to explain this feeling.

But it hurts.

OH and P.S. STOP complaining about your VARSITY shoes or ugly VARSITY jersey.